my Future…?

10 years ago was the last time I set a long-term goal for myself. A goal that I was certain about and kept wanting month after month. I felt like a big fish in a small pond in High School, not too many decisions had to be made and the opportunities were easily laid out. I started High School with the goal of being the first Valedictorian Class President and after four years of constantly working towards it, achieved it. I had always thought that this was just the beginning for me, that a long list of accomplishments was to come….

I had entered college without a strong idea of what career I wanted to have. I had assumed “I’d figure it out” as everyone constantly advised me. Without a strong pull towards any career I just floated along in college, lightly drifting towards and away from all the different paths.

The present state of my life is the outcome of what floating along has drifted me too, an unemployed, soon-to-be 29 year old, living in NYC with not the faintest idea of what I want out of life. I never chose a path, I followed the current, I did enough effort to stay afloat but never enough to change my course.

A part of me wants to continue floating along, hoping that what I am meant to want finds me. I’ve lost my sense of self in hopes that if I am as moldable and as open to options as possible that I will thrive in whatever opportunity comes to me.

But I ask myself, have I not chose a goal because I never found one? Or am scared of choosing one and never reaching it. Or… and this one scares me the most, did I lose my sense of self as I wait to find my partner and fit nicely into his life.